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A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it’s open!
A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding.
The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?”
The driver says, “Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!”
The cop says, “Really! Why is that?”
The driver replies, “I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I’ve only been out driving for 25 minutes.”
I made a belt out of watches.
It was a waist of time.
The solar panel says, “So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?”
The turbine replies, “I’m a big fan.”
Question: What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Answer: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A candidate at a job interview was asked a tough question to which he mumbled an inaudible answer. The interviewer said “Come again?” The candidate got up, collected his file, went out of the room and came back again.
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” asked the passenger. “Yes or No,” replied the attendant.
“Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?”
“I don’t think so, son. Why do you ask?”
“Because that headstone over there says, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
A man goes to a housewarming party.
He turns up the thermostat then leaves.
“Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
A statistician is a fellow who says that if you ate an apple and I ate nothing, we each ate, on average, half an apple.
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Question: What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
Answer: Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.”
The best answer to the question asked in an interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” . . . “In the mirror as always . . ”
A man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
A man wrote a letter to the tax collection agency: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and am therefore enclosing a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
– Why is six afraid of seven?
– Because seven eight nine!
There once was a “smart guy,” a “not so smart guy,” and a “not smart at all guy.” They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The “smart guy” says, “let’s meet the three of us here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!” Later on an hour passes. The “smart guy” says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the “not so smart guy” says I brought a bucket of water to keep us hydrated. The “not smart at all guy” says, “I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!”
Once there was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic.
“When I die, I’ll get it on my way up,” chuckled the old man.
Well, when the old man died, the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there.
“I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.
Excerpts from a letter written by management to company employees:
“The company will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.”
“Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. This is a hardware issue.
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”
After every flight, a pilot fills out a form, which
conveys to the mechanic problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanic reads and corrects
the problem, and then responds in writing on the same form
what remedial action was taken. Here’re some extracts from this form:
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Mechanic: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Mechanic: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Mechanic: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Mechanic: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Mechanic: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Mechanic: That’s what they’re there for.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Mechanic: Suspect you’re right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Mechanic: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Mechanic: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Mechanic: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Mechanic: Cat installed.
“Can you tell me what is today’s date?”
“You fool! You are carrying a newspaper with you. Can you not see the
date?”
“Idiot! How would I know today’s date if that is yesterday’s paper ?!”
A lawyer was asked by Saint Peter what good deeds he had done on earth. The lawyer thought for a considerable time and remembered the occasion, several years ago, when he had given a quarter to an old blind man.
St Peter consulted with the angels for a while, and it was decided the lawyer would be refunded his 25 cents and sent over to hell….”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
There was a middle aged man driving around central Manhattan. He was desperately looking for a parking space, but despite being late for a job interview, he couldn’t find anything! Rather desperate, the old man started an internal dialogue with God.
“Dear God, I know I’m not so regular in my prayer and meditation, but if you can find me a parking space, then I promise, I will go to church every day for the rest of the year.”
Lo and behold the man turns the corner and finds a parking space straight ahead of him.
The man is incredibly happy, and continues his internal dialogue with God.
‘Hey God, don’t worry, I’ve just found a parking space!”
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: “Hi. How is your son? Is he still unemployed?”
“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”
“Meditating? What’s that?”
“I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!”
Two friends are taking a walk in the woods and see a bear in the distance. The bear notices the two men and starts running towards them. One of the men is about to start running for his life, but notices than his friend starts to open his bag and does not seem to be in a hurry.
“What are you doing? You should be running away from the bear very fast?”
The other man replies: “I am looking for my running shoes. And I do not need to run very fast. I just need to run faster than you!”
A rogue bus driver and a priest go to heaven. At the heavenly gates, St Peter is delighted to see the bus driver and immediately welcomes him inside. The priest is asked to wait and is taken aback by this.
He says to St. Peter: “I have served the Lord through prayer so devotedly my entire life, yet what do I see? You are lavishing so much attention on this despicable bus driver, while I have to wait here. Do I have less merit in the eyes of the Lord than this bus driver?”
St Peter replies: “You see, when the bus driver was driving the bus, all the passengers where praying from the depths of their hearts for the Lord to save them. However, when you were conducting the church service, everyone in the audience was fast asleep!”
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